We've all said it before at some point in time in our life, but I had never heard it said with so much conviction. We were sitting on some folding chairs in the driveway and he said, "I just want to go home."
I remember when I was young, I went to my first sleepover at my cousins' house. I remember having a blast until it was time for bed. I remember laying in my sleeping bag, muttering over and over to myself, "I want to go home, I miss my mommy. I want to go home....I want to go home..." I didn't go home, I survived the night, but that memory has always stuck with me. I had never wanted to be home so badly.
In College, there were missed holidays where all I wanted to be was at home. There were the tough times my family was going through and I remember saying, "I want to go home. I NEED to be home."
When I heard, "I just want to go home." today, it wasn't from my 4 year old or even out of my mouth. It came from the mouth of an elderly person that is fighting cancer. I've always had great surface conversations with this man and I've always looked up to him and the family that he and his wife has nurtured over the years. This man grew up knowing what the phrase, "back breaking work" meant and his strong handshake will prove that to you. At the same time, he is the jolliest guy you could ever ask for. He knows his business, but knows when it's okay to crack a smile. He seems to have a pretty great balance going for him. It's very admirable.
Our surface conversations took a turn today, and it really helped me. All of my grandpas passed due to diseases that eventually slowed them down and took them. I wasn't around for any of their struggles or as they fought through their treatments. I never bothered to call and ask, and I live with that. My biggest hindrance was that I though that my grandparents were impervious to suffering or pain.
Today I was able to get that real conversation that I missed so many times before. Sitting on a folding chair in a driveway, we talked about him not being able to go home for a while yet. We talked about the struggles that come with Chemo and how everything gets really bad before anything can get better. There was talk about how weak he was, he repeated that word so many times. He talked about how much he was not looking forward to his second treatment on Monday and still having a third in the coming weeks. I tried to focus on some positives and they worked, but reality found its way back every time. I talked about my joy in the fact that I finally get to head home for Christmas this year. I discussed with him that every year I was not able to be with family, I would replay holiday memories in my head. We specifically talked about the one where I asked my wife to marry me.
As the conversation meandered, his voice got slower, and it seemed as if there was a hint of a child pleading, "please don't make me....I want to go home." It hit me harder than anything has before. My mind was racing, "How can I get him home? What can I do? Can I bring home to him?" I don't know. I so desperately want to help this man heal. I want him to enjoy the time he has in Florida, and the holiday season we are in. Luckily we were able to end our conversation with how beautiful the weather is during this time of year compared to the negative temps in the Midwest and all the snow they are getting.
As I left this afternoon, I wanted to do more. I just need some time to think about it, which is hard to do because of work, and programs, and packing, and travel, there is always so much with very little down time.
Confident in what I have learned, and knowing the strength of this man, (Even at his age and feeling weak, he is still stronger than I am, that's for sure.) I have been replaying a passage in my head, Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
I have kept this passage in mind quite a bit over the last year and it is one that offers great hope amidst our very brief time here. Remember this one when you hear of people who are struggling. Remind them of the home that awaits them after all the pains of this life pass.
If you are able to go home this holiday season, take it all in. Allow yourself no electronic distractions. Open up your senses. Hear the laughter and the stories; smell the bad cologne, Christmas tree, or food cooking; remember what a handshake or a hug feels like amongst family and friends. This is what I look forward to when I get to go home. This, and the fact that I get to celebrate a Savior who died to save me from all the bad stuff that I go through in life, especially to save me from my sinful nature.
Pray for those who do not get to go home. Pray for the sick, and weary. Pray for healing and comfort. Rejoice in knowing that God sent his Son to do what we could never fathom. Rejoice in the birth of Jesus.
Our home here is very temporary, and there is something greater waiting for us in Heaven. We should all want to go to the home that Jesus has prepared for us.
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