Today, I am going to get a little bit real with this post. The music this artist creates somehow makes me feel like he is singing to me, like we have this deep connection. He sings of survival in dark days, in days you don't feel like you can go on any more. He tells you, the world is watching you, what are you going to do? It's these words that dare me to be a better person, that tell me to fight in this life. In fact, the title of my blog: For The Sleepless, and also the URL for the website, come from this guy's music.
Before I get to where I need to be (in the present), I need to go back. I was introduced to this band back in high school. A friend of mine said that his cousin went to a concert in New York and brought back the band's cd. On it was a song called Konstantine, my eyes were immediately opened. Now, my post isn't about this song, but maybe one of these days I'll tackle that masterpiece. The singer, Andrew McMahon would, later, through college and into present day become a hero for me. Andrew started out with Something Corporate and right about the time he was diagnosed with Leukemia, Something Corporate fizzled and Jack's Mannequin took it's place. This new band would give his fans a poetic look into his struggle and eventual power over many things, including this disease.
I remember the first time I heard he was diagnosed. I had never met the guy and immediately I was flabbergasted. I remember whispering, "Why him?" He was my hero, an impenetrable powerhouse of a musician. When I listened to their songs I realized, this spoke to me and the disease I will probably take to my grave. You see, reader, I have type 1 diabetes, a disease that requires insulin to be taken through injections due to the fact that my pancreas is lazy and won't produce any. If I don't take insulin, I can either go in to a coma and die or skip the nap and go to the eternal rest. I wish I could add some fluff and say it's not that bad of a disease. It sucks. It's painful, mood altering, and really prevents you from doing a lot of fun things, like eat sugar.
Back in my senior year of college, I was hospitalized and can remember every agonizing detail. I remember throwing up stuff that burned my throat (too many times to count), I remember not even being able to lift my head or speak by the time I got to the hospital; I still feel the pain coursing through my body until they had to give me morphine. I remember the doctor saying I was 45 minutes away from meeting my maker (paraphrasing). Do I like to relive these memories? No. Is it a part of me, yes. So is this song. This is a song that hits me hard. I want to share this with you so you can kind of understand where I come from with what I deal with and how I deal with it.
Swim by Jack's Mannequin
You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far to fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above
As you can see this song is about struggle and trying to overcome it. Andrew compares our struggles to swimming. I remember my dad throwing me in the deep end of the pool when I was young. This is how he taught me how to swim. I remember struggling, panicking, and then hearing him instruct me to kick and paddle. If I didn't hear those two words, all I would have learned to do was dive, and not by choice. This is how I picture my struggle nowadays with diabetes.If you know me, I do joke about it a lot with my friends, mostly because that's how I cope. Most of the time I want people to understand that I can't eat a lot of the things they eat. I shouldn't be doing a lot of things that I do. I do them because I don't want to seem rude by saying, "I know that's all you have, but I can't have it." Most people don't know that I literally have to keep going, I have to consciously save myself. Everyone is looking as to how you (or I) will survive this life. We can't let negativity pull us away from doing what we were made to do, what we are supposed to do.
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim
I want to focus on the last half of the chorus here. I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun, choking on salt water, I'm not giving in. I swim. I continue to pay $240 a month to keep myself alive. In fact, I joke with my wife because you can buy birth control (essentially preventing life) for $20. I have to pay $220 more to keep it going. I continue to do that in hopes that one day they will find a cure. I do walks, I help others raise money. It doesn't look like much is going to happen but despite that thinking, I don't give up. Why?
You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers, your sisters,
And brothers, and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw
This goes for everyone. We have a voice, a purpose, in this life. We need to be examples for others to keep going. God tells us to be this light, or example in our world, so that they may one day have the hope that we have. Personally, I keep on surviving for exactly what Andrew listed. I survive for my family, my wife, dog, brothers, sister, and friends. I survive through the rough times to come out bigger, faster, and stronger. No matter what I am given, the Lord promises that I will not have more than I can handle. This is why I keep my head above and swim, especially when I am tempted to be swept away by the current.
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above
You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
I remember hearing a story about how they train Navy Seals, I don't know if it's true or not, but they make them go under water, it's pitch black and they spin the person around until they don't know which way is up. How can you tell where to go if you can't see anything. The answer is pretty simple. Blow a bubble, whichever way it goes, follow it. Sometimes I feel like this disease is like this scenario. I remember after I was diagnosed, I was sitting in the dorm at CLHS waiting for my ride to pick me up. I had just finished walking the track about 15 times and during that whole time I was wondering which way was up. How was I going to adjust to this life-changing situation. When I went inside, I was sitting at the table with a bunch of friends and out of nowhere I bowed my head and started sobbing. If you know me, reader, I don't cry. It takes a lot for that to happen. In this situation, it was dark and I didn't know which way was up. My friends comforted me, which was great and all, but it didn't cure me. I still have those moments (no, I don't cry) where I can't seem to get my bearings, but I remember what this song says, "Swim in the dark, don't let yourself sink, just find the horizon I promise it's not as far as you think." My horizon is a lot of things. First and foremost, it's God, secondly, it's keeping myself alive for all of the people listed above, and third, it's so I can say I swam a tough course and reached the finish line.
I actually was able to meet Andrew McMahon after his Something Corporate Reunion Tour in Milwaukee. I was able to tell my hero that he, and his message, has always been a huge inspiration in life. I am sure most people say that, but you know what his response was? He asked me what I did with this inspiration. I told him I am an artist. We had a short but meaningful conversation where he actually wanted to hear who I was. I plan on meeting him again sometime in the future, but until then I am going to keep swimming (and not in the Finding Nemo sense so get that out of your head.) I know I lost a lot of my optimistic attitude in this post, but like I said, it's real. There really isn't anything optimistic about it. This song helps me, along with many of the people in my life. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I am not writing this for pity. This is my story, a story of survival against odds. I want to remind you, reader, keep your head above. Swim.
Swim by Jack's Mannequin
Meeting Andrew McMahon with Kristin, Meghan, and Matt
My interpretation of this song. I entered it in a competition but haven't heard back.
Before I get to where I need to be (in the present), I need to go back. I was introduced to this band back in high school. A friend of mine said that his cousin went to a concert in New York and brought back the band's cd. On it was a song called Konstantine, my eyes were immediately opened. Now, my post isn't about this song, but maybe one of these days I'll tackle that masterpiece. The singer, Andrew McMahon would, later, through college and into present day become a hero for me. Andrew started out with Something Corporate and right about the time he was diagnosed with Leukemia, Something Corporate fizzled and Jack's Mannequin took it's place. This new band would give his fans a poetic look into his struggle and eventual power over many things, including this disease.
I remember the first time I heard he was diagnosed. I had never met the guy and immediately I was flabbergasted. I remember whispering, "Why him?" He was my hero, an impenetrable powerhouse of a musician. When I listened to their songs I realized, this spoke to me and the disease I will probably take to my grave. You see, reader, I have type 1 diabetes, a disease that requires insulin to be taken through injections due to the fact that my pancreas is lazy and won't produce any. If I don't take insulin, I can either go in to a coma and die or skip the nap and go to the eternal rest. I wish I could add some fluff and say it's not that bad of a disease. It sucks. It's painful, mood altering, and really prevents you from doing a lot of fun things, like eat sugar.
Back in my senior year of college, I was hospitalized and can remember every agonizing detail. I remember throwing up stuff that burned my throat (too many times to count), I remember not even being able to lift my head or speak by the time I got to the hospital; I still feel the pain coursing through my body until they had to give me morphine. I remember the doctor saying I was 45 minutes away from meeting my maker (paraphrasing). Do I like to relive these memories? No. Is it a part of me, yes. So is this song. This is a song that hits me hard. I want to share this with you so you can kind of understand where I come from with what I deal with and how I deal with it.
Swim by Jack's Mannequin
You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far to fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above
As you can see this song is about struggle and trying to overcome it. Andrew compares our struggles to swimming. I remember my dad throwing me in the deep end of the pool when I was young. This is how he taught me how to swim. I remember struggling, panicking, and then hearing him instruct me to kick and paddle. If I didn't hear those two words, all I would have learned to do was dive, and not by choice. This is how I picture my struggle nowadays with diabetes.If you know me, I do joke about it a lot with my friends, mostly because that's how I cope. Most of the time I want people to understand that I can't eat a lot of the things they eat. I shouldn't be doing a lot of things that I do. I do them because I don't want to seem rude by saying, "I know that's all you have, but I can't have it." Most people don't know that I literally have to keep going, I have to consciously save myself. Everyone is looking as to how you (or I) will survive this life. We can't let negativity pull us away from doing what we were made to do, what we are supposed to do.
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim
I want to focus on the last half of the chorus here. I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun, choking on salt water, I'm not giving in. I swim. I continue to pay $240 a month to keep myself alive. In fact, I joke with my wife because you can buy birth control (essentially preventing life) for $20. I have to pay $220 more to keep it going. I continue to do that in hopes that one day they will find a cure. I do walks, I help others raise money. It doesn't look like much is going to happen but despite that thinking, I don't give up. Why?
You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers, your sisters,
And brothers, and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw
This goes for everyone. We have a voice, a purpose, in this life. We need to be examples for others to keep going. God tells us to be this light, or example in our world, so that they may one day have the hope that we have. Personally, I keep on surviving for exactly what Andrew listed. I survive for my family, my wife, dog, brothers, sister, and friends. I survive through the rough times to come out bigger, faster, and stronger. No matter what I am given, the Lord promises that I will not have more than I can handle. This is why I keep my head above and swim, especially when I am tempted to be swept away by the current.
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above
You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
I remember hearing a story about how they train Navy Seals, I don't know if it's true or not, but they make them go under water, it's pitch black and they spin the person around until they don't know which way is up. How can you tell where to go if you can't see anything. The answer is pretty simple. Blow a bubble, whichever way it goes, follow it. Sometimes I feel like this disease is like this scenario. I remember after I was diagnosed, I was sitting in the dorm at CLHS waiting for my ride to pick me up. I had just finished walking the track about 15 times and during that whole time I was wondering which way was up. How was I going to adjust to this life-changing situation. When I went inside, I was sitting at the table with a bunch of friends and out of nowhere I bowed my head and started sobbing. If you know me, reader, I don't cry. It takes a lot for that to happen. In this situation, it was dark and I didn't know which way was up. My friends comforted me, which was great and all, but it didn't cure me. I still have those moments (no, I don't cry) where I can't seem to get my bearings, but I remember what this song says, "Swim in the dark, don't let yourself sink, just find the horizon I promise it's not as far as you think." My horizon is a lot of things. First and foremost, it's God, secondly, it's keeping myself alive for all of the people listed above, and third, it's so I can say I swam a tough course and reached the finish line.
I actually was able to meet Andrew McMahon after his Something Corporate Reunion Tour in Milwaukee. I was able to tell my hero that he, and his message, has always been a huge inspiration in life. I am sure most people say that, but you know what his response was? He asked me what I did with this inspiration. I told him I am an artist. We had a short but meaningful conversation where he actually wanted to hear who I was. I plan on meeting him again sometime in the future, but until then I am going to keep swimming (and not in the Finding Nemo sense so get that out of your head.) I know I lost a lot of my optimistic attitude in this post, but like I said, it's real. There really isn't anything optimistic about it. This song helps me, along with many of the people in my life. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I am not writing this for pity. This is my story, a story of survival against odds. I want to remind you, reader, keep your head above. Swim.
Swim by Jack's Mannequin
Comments
Post a Comment